Wednesday, January 6, 2016

Do You?

Do you ever spend way too much time getting a new phone plan (and new phones) for both your daughter and you b/c your company's long-standing and admittedly generous plan has expired?

And while in that grueling process, does the thought strike you that somehow this would be less painful, more efficient, more cost effective, and likely more gratifying if your wife was part of it?

And do you think to yourself, "How the fuck have you not yet figured out how to properly back up a phone?  It's two-thousand-fucking-sixteen!"

And while mercilessly berating yourself, do you also fear that somehow a photo or video clip will now be lost and gone forever b/c the fucking cloud remains a mystery to your thick head?

Do you wonder if this is the day - this is the moment - you lose these visual triggers that help weave the story you've kept pasted together of your life w/ your wife?  Just another in a long line of 'fuck it all' moments that just keep comin'...

And when you're still stewing over your technological illiteracies and scrolling thru old text messages on your new phone (that clearly did not update w/ all of your previously current information), do you will yourself to tears as you make yourself read thru every last text that you were involved in w/ your wife?

Does it feel good?

No.  It doesn't feel good.  It's not supposed to feel good.  That's the point.

Sometimes the point is just to open yourself up all over again.  To the rawness.  The pain.  Take it all in as if it's fresh.  As if it's not fourteen months since.  As if it's not at the point where everyone has moved the fuck on.

And while you're coming down hard on yourself, do you continue to pile it on?

Do you reflect on your recent parental staleness?

Do you curse yourself for cursing yourself and not reengaging in meditation for the betterment of yourself and your child?

And do you slam the door so hard that you frighten your child w/ both sound and action?

Do you feel bad for yourself?  And then, immediately after that feeling commences, do you cut it off and tell yourself to get a grip?  Tell yourself the sky is not fucking falling?

Or, do you let the pity rise up inside you?  Do you let it consume you b/c you've earned it?  Maybe not all the time, but sometimes?  Today?

Do you?

Twelve years ago today we were married.

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