Monday, July 27, 2015

Clearly my posts have been few and far between recently.  I'm not sure what I attribute it to.

In truth, I've started, stopped, saved, and safely stored more partial posts than I've likely published.

Maybe the reality is that I'm healing.  And while the initial onslaught of posts was therapeutic, maybe I've required less blog therapy in the last month or two.  But I'm not sure I buy that.

No, I think at best I've been distracted.  Distracted by what exactly, I don't know.  But, every so often - more so in the last week - Jill's absence creeps back into focus.  I feel it heavier in my chest.

I think of her all the time.  All.  The.  Time.

And then I wonder, does she know that?  Does Jill know she's always on my mind?  Is she in my head, able to read my thoughts?  (I''d be okay w/ that.)  I'm certain she knows she's always and forever in my heart.

Then I think, how engaged in our lives is someone that has passed?

Are they omnipresent?

Do they dip in and out?  A periodic check-in b/c they have to share attention w/ so many others..?

If I want Jill to know what I'm thinking, do I need to verbalize it aloud?  If I don't speak it, does it go unknown?

Apparently I'm trying to create a structure that I won't likely comprehend until it's too late.

Sometimes I just go w/ it.  I'll lie in bed at night (still finding sleep hard to come by).  Our My room is black, silent.  And I speak to her, just over my breath.  It's kind of embarrassing, even doing it all alone w/ no one in earshot.  I don't say much.  Just a few lines to let her know I love her, I miss her, and sometimes that I'm doing okay.

Then, to further elongate my streak of insanity, I lie there and wait patiently in the dark, almost straining for some sign of a response.

It's amazing what you'll attempt to convince yourself of when placed in certain life-altering situations.  Outside looking in, I'd probably roll my eyes at my current actions.  What are you doing?  Don't dwell.  Don't sulk.  Move on.  

I'm not harming anyone.  I don't think I'm harming myself.  I'm just doing what feels right to get by.

It's fair to say that several times a day - still - I feel like the wind is being knocked from me.  I genuinely have to catch my breath.  And I'm okay w/ that.  Maybe that's just Jill's way of getting thru to me.  Maybe...

All love,

J, J, & r

Jill at Ro's first haircut


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