Wednesday, March 4, 2015

Soul-searching


Soul-searching: an examination of one's conscious especially with regard to motives and values

I don't buy it.

No, already that's not true.  I buy it.  But, I also believe that definition of the term is too narrow, too egocentric.

I may be ignorant here.  But, so what?  Isn't this where bliss resides?

I'm also loopy as I type, hopped up on OTC meds to fight off some virus Ro and I have been sharing for going on a week.  So clarity and stability are not my closest friends right now.

Bear w/ me...this could get bumpy for me...maybe fun for you...

As I lay in bed the last several days, my mind - like many of us in this state - bends in unfamiliar ways...taking me directions that open new areas to contemplate...if I can just hold onto them.  Most slip away, but a few I'm able to grasp.

So, as I lay in bed, unable to sleep, unable to move or shift, my eyes fixated (for no good reason) on the black sleeve of a hoodie on the back of my bathroom door, this idea of soul-searching crept in and stayed in.

What is it again?  Soul-searching?

I mean, I feel like I've done a lot (a lot) of that over the years.  Always inward.  Who am I?  What am I about?  What can I be doing?  Often, for me, it's about personal evolution.

But, yesterday, staring at this sleeve, I realized I'm doing less of the traditional soul-searching these days and more of an Indiana Jones, Daniel Boone, Lewis & Clark expedition or quest-like soul-searching.

I'm literally in search of a soul.

Jill's soul.

I find myself staring w/ great intention at photos of us.  Of her.

I'm paying closer attention to the freaking birds.

For what?  Communication?  A sign?  Comfort?

Probably all of the above..

I've even begun to read books about regression therapy.  In one particular case (that I've read), two souls that had been connected in previous lives are reunited in the present.

Anything's possible, right?  I'm just not willing to close a door yet.

And then one night in this last week, after I had fallen asleep on the couch in the family room the night before (a rare occurrence), I voluntarily put myself back on the same couch, same position, in effort to replicate the same/similar result.

I had dreamt of Jill the night prior.  It may not have been the first time.  I'm not certain.  But, it was - w/o question - the most vivid.  And it was real.  And it was emotional.

I wanted it - or something like it - again.

So I put my eager ass to sleep out there for a second night.

No luck.

But, (very) few of you have mentioned dreaming of Jilly recently; sharing in great detail how she was, how she is.  (Thank you for that.)

So it's these things - the ever-present cardinal, the intoxicating pictures, the lucid dreams, the flowing memories, the many emotions - that all have me on this never-ending search for Jill's soul.

And right now I believe I'll be reunited w/ her.

And yes, once again, this can certainly be chalked up as a guy connecting dots where they're not meant to be connected.

But, even so, maybe I'm connecting them in such a way that an image or a pattern is being created that far exceeds the imagination of any of us (or at least my current self).  After all, these are my dots to connect.

Right now I'm comforted by a level of confidence that our souls will find one another again.

And while I won't use this life to wait for that moment, I will welcome it when it comes.

All love,

J, J, & r

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