(When she's old enough to read these posts, she's going to love that I'm sharing this. Let's be honest, this is probably the tip of the emotional iceberg.)
Historically this tone, this attitude was pointed at Mommy. Their feuds were almost like performance art...performance art no one in their right mind would voluntarily subject themselves to. I was granted a front row seat most days...whether I wanted to see the show or not.
Well, with a new target in Rory's crosshairs, we're both finding the dynamic...I'll say, different.
I tend to bypass the round after round of sparring. And instead, I absorb the hits until I erupt.
To be clear, an eruption from me is simply - but clearly - raising my voice to ensure that I am heard, heard well, and understood. It's probably just under a yell...certainly nowhere near a scream.
This doesn't happen often. But, as Rory pointed out to me tonight, it has happened w/ greater frequency over the last week or so...which coincidentally coincides w/ her increased lippy'ness.
So, before bed tonight, we talked it out.
Ultimately, I believe we came to an understanding about where we're at (Rude'ville) and what needs to be done to get (back) to where we want to be (Respect Town).
The reality is that we're fine. We're better than fine. Our bond is solid. Unbreakable.
It's just a growing pains' bump that needed to be addressed tonight. Daddy-daughter shit.
But, that's my point here. It's only Daddy and daughter.
When Jill and Rory went at it, I could swoop in and smooth out the situation, often consoling Rory (first). There was balance, an equilibrium among three.
When - on the rare occasion - Rory and I went at it, Jilly could put on her cape and save the day for Ro. Again, balance.
Well, this family of two is now off-fucking-balance.
This was made abundantly clear to me tonight as I attempted to console my crying daughter after having been the one that caused the tears in the first place. Thru the tears she pushes out, "I miss Mommy."
Utterly heartbreaking. Almost nauseating.
The kid wants her fucking mommy. I want her fucking mommy.
When one parent comes down hard, the other provides the balance. This is how it worked for J, J, & r.
So, now when I 'nearly yell' at Ro, I'm (at the same time?) supposed to soften the blow? How does this happen? How do I strike this much needed balance?
I think my point is that even among the arguments, the disease, all of it; our trio operated on a high level. We had our moments. But, we rebounded like champs that we were. Together.
B/c we were balanced.
Well, Rory and I are on (what appears to be) a quest to find a new balance. One fit for two.
J, J, & r