Wednesday, January 7, 2015

Feel Her

Do you feel her?

This is the question I've been asked in various forms by a handful of people.

My initial response has been, "No, not really."

But, then I have to stop and think about it.  What the hell does that even mean?  Do I feel her?  Physically, certainly not.  Emotionally, I think so.  But, what are the other ways to feel someone?

I guess my initial interpretation of this question was a bit more pointed --> do you recognize any signs of her presence?  And for that, once again, I lean to no...

...w/ the large caveat that finding individually wrapped Moonpie snack cakes in both my Chattanooga hotel room and in Jill's favorite STL smoothie shop has to be chalked up as a sign of some kind.

But, aside from these visual cues, what else stands out?  Not a lot.

Am I looking too hard?  Probably.  Well, absolutely.  And w/ great consistency.  To the point that I find I'm saying to myself, "When you stop looking, that's when you'll find/feel her."

It's just all still so fresh.  I can't just turn of my seeker sensor.

I'm still waiting for Jilly to walk into whatever room I'm in and say, "Ha!  Gotcha!  Let's dance in the kitchen."  Really...

I've even gone so far as to ask Jilly out loud to work a little harder, make a little more effort/noise to contact me, contact us.  I promise I'm sincerely open to receiving it...unless I'm doing it wrong.

Then, after a recent discussion w/ my mom, I had to reevaluate my translation of this question.

Do I feel Jilly? 

I mean, without question, I feel her in my heart.  She continues to be there among the rubble.  Her presence there will never diminish.

And she's definitely in my head.  In so many ways...

I'm finding that I often confer w/ Jill, kind of playing the "What Would Jilly Do?" game.

When friends ask me (or us) to get together (thank you, friends), even if it's not a preferred outing for me, Jill's in my head.  "Get out there.  Make yourself available.  Be social.  You're good at it.  If not for you, then for Rory.  You both need this."

When Ro and I are eating and she wants extra dessert, for example, Jill's there.  "Just give in to the kid once in a while.  It's not going to hurt her."

When the holidays hit, Jill was in my head, reminding me to order New Year's cards (if you didn't get yours, I did it wrong), find dog sitters before we travel, and stay connected with family.

It's interesting.  In a way, it remains a two parent household.  It's just that one of the parents has been absorbed by the other.

(Don't misunderstand me.  I am not Jill.  Only Jill is Jill.  I don't mean to suggest that I have replaced her.  It's just not the case.  Nor would I want it to be.  Nor is it feasible.)

What I am saying is that, yes, I guess I do feel Jilly.  I feel her in my everyday life.  As she did in life, Jilly continues to guide me.

I can't stress that point enough.  Jilly guided me.  Whether she knows it or not, she guided me by being the person that she was.  She made me want to step up my game as a husband, father, friend, and family member.  She helped me find my way.  She propped me up when I was (waaaaaaay) down.  She instilled confidence in me when I couldn't inject it myself.  She believed in me.  She always freaking believed in me.

And I need to believe that she still believes in me.  That keeps me going.

Because while I admit to being her rock, she was, and is certainly mine.

So, I think there's been a micro evolution w/in the text of this post.  I don't feel Jill...I don't know if I feel Jill...of course I feel Jill.

And that's been my personal progression.  I just want to do what I can to ensure there is not a regression.  I need to feel Jilly, always.  She's too much a part of who I am to be dormant.

Whether this particular post makes any sense to you or not, it certainly (and selfishly) was good for me.  So, as always, thank you for reading, sharing, and supporting.

All love,

J, J, & r

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