Sunday, September 15, 2013

Stupid Hip

I can't tell you how many times in the last six weeks I've said that phrase:  "Stupid hip."

Not my spine. Not my finger.
About six weeks ago, my left hip started to hurt. Just a vague feeling that I strained my hip flexor, or it was a little tight or something.  Fast forward six weeks, and I'm writing this at 5:00am, waiting for the pain pills I've been given for my newly-diagnosed slipped disk to kick in so I can sleep. Been awake for 2 hours. I've had 2 x-rays, one MRI and have a second MRI scheduled for Monday.  I've been to the physical therapist 3 times, I'm taking steroids, wearing a super-hero-looking brace around my hips and generally worrying.

When you have bone mets (cancer that has spread into the bone, which I have), everything gets a little worrisome.  Of anything that has been going on in my cancer world, the bone mets have been a minor blip on the screen.  They were there from the start of the metastatic realization, in my lower spine, but have seemed to be very very responsive to chemo drugs and have shown indications of healing right from the beginning, so I didn't think much of them.  Honestly, in my mind I kind of thought of them as "taken care of".  And maybe they still are.  I may just have a slipped disk like any other 40-something, which can hurt like hell and be quite debilitating.  I mean, on-the-floor-unable-to-move-thinking-I-am-going-to-throw-up-from-pain-get-me-to-the-ER kind of pain (thank you for letting my kid see me like that a few days ago). Being over 40 can have its moments.

BUT, there's a chance that things are more complicated than that.  There's a chance I've got a hairline fracture in my hip due to either cancer or the (ironically) bone strengthener I get via IV every month. There's a chance new tumors have developed in my bones. There's a chance this pain is permanent, which is what really scares me.  My onc said the x-rays didn't show signs of new tumors, which is good, but my tumor markers (a blood test they run monthly) are up just a hair, where they had been going down steadily for the past six months on this new chemo until this week.  They are still at a good number, but I don't like even the tiniest change in direction.

Woman who has clearly been well-medicated for her hip surgery!  
You all know I'm a positive thinker.  When people comment on my positive attitude, I always caution, "It's easy to be positive when you feel good."  Now I don't feel so good, and I don't like it.  I'm trying to stay optimistic, but it's easier for the dark thoughts to creep in when there is pain involved.

So, now that it's 5:30am, I'm heading back to my happy land of Hydrocodone and Candy Crush, and hoping sleep comes soon.  Good night everyone!

1 comment:

  1. I'm sending loving, healing thoughts your way, Schmill, and I have to send your choice of pictures for this post were awesome. I was laughing about those, even as I was shaking my head in sympathy pangs for your pain.