Sunday, August 24, 2008

Feeling Lucky

I've always considered myself a fortunate person.  Maybe I watch too much CNN, but I've always found it easy to see stories of things going on in other people's lives and think, "I don't know how people handle it."  There are always tragedies, stories, etc. that are sad and destroy lives.  I've always thought that I'd never be able to handle something tragic.  I imagine I would curl in a ball on the floor and never be able to get up again.  I imagine Jason having to figure out how to pick me up, and how to explain to Rory the puddle her mother has become. 

I've never lost a close, close friend or family member.  I've not dealt with devastating, life-changing news.  Even now, with cancer, I don't feel I have.  I still feel so much like I'm living my normal life, just with some changes.  The day I got the news I had cancer, I was a puddle, I admit.  I was also recovering from outpatient surgery and the drugs.  But honestly, sending out the email to family and friends later that day and announcing what was going on made all the difference.  Plus, treatment thus far has been good.  I still feel very lucky. 

I've met other survivors, 20 years older than me, who have told me that it's normal to feel terrified, to wonder if I'm going to die, to wonder if I'm going to see Rory get married.  What no one has told some of these people is that it's also normal NOT to wonder about these things.  They don't cross my mind.  I have good doctors who have told me that I'm curable.  That's that.  I do what they tell me to do.  I read and learn and share.  And I live my life.  Maybe it's just that those people who are going through it when they are older don't have this sense of invincibility that comes with only being 36 and facing cancer.  Or maybe it's just something about how I'm wired.  Jason and my friends and family are often commenting on how strong I am, how well I'm handling this all, etc.  I just don't know any different.  I look around and realize I'm just fortunate.  In our house, the phrase, "You just never know what's going on in someone else's house" has become popular, as there are many, many people dealing with difficult times and situations, just like us.  Our eyes have opened with more empathy than ever. 

1 comment:

  1. I think we are all lucky, we have you. Unfortunately you were the one chosen to fight this battle and have inspired us all on your journey. You have shown us how to be strong during the toughest times of life and have remained positive the whole time. You are truly an inspiration to us your daughter. Thank you for sharing your journey. We are thinking about you and your family.

    We love you,
    Julie and Jacob